


A New Year

by arielmagicesi



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Domestic Fluff, M/M, Past Abuse, Post-The Raven King
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-27
Updated: 2016-06-27
Packaged: 2018-07-18 16:26:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7322395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arielmagicesi/pseuds/arielmagicesi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just because the demon's gone, doesn't mean the demons in Adam's mind are gone. He wants to defeat them himself.</p>
<p>(series of stories between Chapter 67 and the scene where Adam goes to confront his parents. Adam works on emotional healing, with the help of all of his friends.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	A New Year

The night was unbearably still and cold. Adam was the only thing shaking, shivering, feeling like he was dying.

_Breathe. Breathe. Breathe god fucking damn it._

It didn’t usually take so long to remember that it was a nightmare.

He didn’t know which was worse: the nightmares about being a demon, about every one of his friends dying under his hands, or this- nightmares about being back in the trailer, utterly helpless, shattering against the wall.

Ragged breaths wracked his lungs and he turned to lie on his back. God. How the _fuck_ was he going to get back to sleep? He had school tomorrow, and work after that- he checked his new, cheap watch- just past 2 am. He’d only even gotten to sleep two hours ago, and now he was wide awake.

_Go to sleep. Breathe. Fucking go to sleep, or you’ll be tired tomorrow, and then you’ll never escape. You’ll never escape._

He shuddered.

He didn’t want to go back to sleep. Sleep meant nightmares, and nightmares were worse than not getting enough sleep.

The bed was suffocating. He threw off his blanket. The apartment was suffocating. He threw on a coat and slipped on his shoes.

He was out the door, outside, tearing across the church parking lot, before he’d even thought about it.

_God._ It was times like this he missed Cabeswater the most. He clenched his teeth. Everything hurt. Only a few months ago, Cabeswater would have poured in, water and leaves and roots, holding him to the earth. Giving him some sense of control. And now?

He felt so powerless.

The rush of woods behind the church- he needed to be in the woods. They weren’t Cabeswater but he needed trees, earth, crumbled leaves becoming soil becoming trees becoming leaves again. Maybe they would help him breathe.

He sank to his knees in the middle of the woods, fell to the earth, wrapped his hands around the soil. Took deep breaths.

“Why am I so weak?” he whispered.

Wind rushed overhead. Between the bare branches, the stars were visible. At the very least, Adam knew that the trees and stars did not care if he was weak. They did not even care that he existed.

He just breathed.

He closed his eyes.

Leaves rushed over his skin.

And the wind whispered back.

_Vos non infirmatur._

_You are not weak._

Adam opened his eyes.

“Cabeswater?” he breathed.

But it wasn’t Cabeswater. It was just the cold, sleeping woods of a Henrietta December. Maybe he’d imagined it. Maybe the trees spoke Latin here, too. Maybe it was magic. Maybe it was the remnants of Cabeswater in his mind.

Maybe it was himself.

Adam Parrish sat up.

“I,” he said out loud, “am not weak.”

Cabeswater had not been what made him magic. He made himself magic. He could know that, at least now, sitting amid the trees.

He stayed there for a bit longer before heading back up to St. Agnes to sink into dreamless sleep.

 

Everyone in Adam’s life seemed to be fond of saying it. “It’s not your fault.” “It wasn’t your fault.” Gansey repeated it endlessly, every time Adam made the mistake of bringing up what his father had done. Ronan would say it when Adam woke up next to him from nightmares of the demon possession. Blue said it like it was obvious, sitting across from him at Nino’s when he’d come to visit.

It was with Blue that he finally snapped. Typically.

“Would everyone _stop_ saying that,” he said, half-under his breath, as she finished wiping down the table he’d been sitting at.

She stopped and put her hands on her hips.

“What would you like us to say instead then?” she said.

“I don’t know!” Now he’d managed to hurt her, again, and he was so sick of hurting Blue. Like she wasn’t already dead tired at the end of her shift. “I don’t know. Just something I don’t already know. I _know_ it wasn’t my fault.”

She sat down across from him. It was lucky the place was near-empty, this late.

“Do you?” she said quietly. “Sometimes it seems like you don’t.”

He stared at her.

She was right, of course. He knew, on a rational level, that nothing that had happened to him was _technically_ his fault. He hadn’t told his father to beat him up. He hadn’t asked the demon to possess him. But it was more complicated than that, wasn’t it?

“I know it’s not my fault,” he said to Blue. “But that’s not the whole story.”

“Then what is the whole story?” she pressed.

He looked down at the table. Closed into himself.

“Just because it’s not my fault,” he said, “doesn’t mean I didn’t deserve it. Right?”

Blue didn’t say anything. She reached her hands out across the table to hold his.

Her voice was harsh when she spoke. Harsher than usual. The truest Blue Sargent voice he knew, the one that he’d been attracted to when they were dating.

“You didn’t deserve a damn thing that he did to you,” she said. “You’re a good person, Adam, an amazing person. And if you don’t believe it, I swear, I will make sure every day- I’ll do whatever it takes to make you believe it. Not just me. Ronan, Gansey, Henry, Opal. I- how could you even _think_ that, Adam?”

“Sorry,” he muttered.

“What? No, I’m not mad at you, Adam! I’m mad- _arrgghh!_ ” She ran a hand through her hair in frustration. He looked up at her.

She looked back at him, fiercely.

“You will _never_ deserve to be hurt. Got that?”

He wasn’t really sure if he believed it. But it was difficult not to believe Blue when she spoke like that. She didn’t lie, either.

“I guess,” he said.

Blue sighed.

“I gotta finish cleaning,” she said.

Then she got up and gave him a hug.

“Thank you,” Adam said.

 

Adam hated New Years’ Eve.

Probably because it had always been another excuse for his dad to get drunk. Also because it was one of those holidays that promised a lot and gave nothing, which led to a lot of pent-up frustration in the trailer. And because everyone went on and on about how a new year was a new slate, which was such a blatant lie that it was laughable.

So when Henry invited them all to his New Year’s party at Litchfield, it hadn’t taken him two seconds to decline.

“Aw, you sure, Parrish?” Henry said. “I know you’re not really the rager type, but we’re also going to be debating the merits of all the bills that were passed in Congress this year. You can never resist good old political debate, A-man.”

“Tempting,” Adam said. “But I prefer my political debates in classrooms, not with a drunk Vancouver crowd.”

“Besides,” Ronan added, from where he was sitting next to Adam on the couch in Monmouth, “Parrish and I have our own New Year’s plans.”

Adam turned to face Ronan.

“We do?” he said.

Ronan smiled mischievously.

“Yeah. We’re gonna celebrate at the Barns. You, me, and Opal.”

“Since when did I agree to celebrating New Years’ at the Barns?”

Ronan raised his eyebrows. “I don’t fucking know. I didn’t know I needed to get your approval.”

“Well, if it’s a plan involving me, then yeah.” Adam was suddenly annoyed beyond belief. Ronan could never just talk to him about something, could he?

“Jesus,” Ronan muttered. “Fine, Parrish. Don’t come over.”

“Hey,” Henry interjected, leaning over from the desk chair. “Didn’t we talk about not being an ass, Lynch?”

“When did you two talk about Ronan being an asshole?” Adam said.

Ronan folded his arms and rolled his eyes.

“Gave him some relationship advice a while back,” Henry said. “About not responding to every little thing by throwing a fit. You’re welcome, Parrish.”

Adam’s eyes widened, and he nearly laughed- how surreal this would have been a few months ago, Henry Cheng giving Ronan Lynch advice about his anger issues.

“You’re right, Cheng,” Ronan said, though he didn’t look happy about it. “Sorry. I should’ve asked you first. Do you want to come over for New Year’s?”

“Nah,” Adam said, grinning.

“You asshole. I asked nicely.”

“Kidding. Yeah, I’ll come over. But…” He let out a breath. “As long as we don’t make a big deal about it. I don’t like New Year’s.”

“Oh,” Ronan said. “OK.”

“What?” Adam said. “Did you want to make a big deal out of it?”

“I was kind of planning something. But whatever, we don’t have to do it.”

“Jesus,” Henry said. “Stop making passive aggressive comments. I swear, if me and Blue and Gansey took this much time to make every decision-”

“Yeah, we know, you’re living in bliss with Gansey and Sargent,” Ronan said. “I’m not making a passive-aggressive whatever-the-fuck. I was planning to have a New Year’s party or some shit, just the three of us, but I don’t really give a fuck either way. Seriously. I didn’t even buy anything for it yet. We can just do whatever you want, Parrish.”

Adam smiled.

“Thanks,” he said. “Sorry to mess up your plans.”

“For fuck’s sake. I just said I don’t mind.”

“OK,” Adam said, then checked his watch. “Shit. I’m gonna be late for work.”

He put on his coat, then leaned in and kissed Ronan. Then, pausing, he whispered in Ronan’s ear, “Thanks for not getting angry.”

“What?” Ronan said. “Adam. I’m never angry at you. I just… I’m bad at this.”

“I know,” Adam said. “I meant, thanks for working on it.”

Ronan smiled and kissed him again. Henry looked pointedly down at his phone.

“See you tomorrow for New Year’s, then,” Adam said, and headed out the door.

 

Ronan had come through on his promise of not making a big deal out of New Year’s. Opal, on the other hand, had not.

“Adam Adam Adam!” she shouted, the second he came through the door. “Adam are you gonna stay up til midnight with me? Kerah said I can’t stay up but can I? Please?”

“Why do you want to stay up until midnight?” Adam asked, heading into the living room. Opal ran after him.

“For the new year! Joey said you _have_ to stay up til midnight to see the new year! Otherwise it _won’t happen!_ ”

Joey was her new friend from the farm down the road. Ronan and Adam had both thought it would be a good thing for her to make some friends her age. They hadn’t accounted on how many dumb ideas her new friends would plant in her head.

“I think he might have been lying, Opal,” Adam said. “The new year’s going to come whether you stay up or not.”

She looked up at him with pleading eyes.

“But I _want_ to stay up,” she insisted. “Please, please, please, please, please-”

“OK,” Adam relented.

Opal shrieked in glee, and Ronan walked in from the kitchen.

“Why do I even bother saying no to her?” he said. “As soon as she pulls that puppy-dog face on you, you always give in.”

“Not always,” Adam said. “Only when her life _isn’t_ in danger.”

He walked over and kissed Ronan hello, then followed him back into the kitchen. It looked like Ronan was cooking something complicated.

“Before you ask, it isn’t a big fancy meal or whatever,” Ronan said. “I’m just testing out some of the new produce I might try and plant come springtime. See what kind of food I could make with it.”

“Mmm, sounds good,” Adam said. “What are you making?”

“Just some recipes that woman from the farmer’s association gave me. Like, pasta with grilled vegetables or whatever. And winter squash soup. I fucking guess.”

“Wow, when you put it that way, it doesn’t make you sound like a domestic housewife at all.”

“Fuck you, Parrish.”

“You can do that too,” Adam said, close to his ear, and Ronan turned red.

“I’m trying to fucking cook here,” he muttered, and Adam laughed.

He and Opal ended up watching _Lilo and Stitch_ in the living room, since Joey and his sister had apparently told Opal that she had to watch it. Ronan came in in the middle and brought them all plates of food, which they all devoured sitting on the couch together.

“Ronan, this is really good,” Adam said. “You should cook more.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really. Better than having takeout every time I come over.”

The movie ended a little before 11, and Opal kept yawning, but she would insist on doing jumping jacks every time she got tired to “keep herself awake.”

“Seems counterproductive,” Ronan said.

While Opal ran back and forth from the kitchen, banging pots and pans occasionally, Ronan turned to Adam and asked, “Is it OK if I ask why you hate New Year’s?”

Adam sighed and leaned back against the couch.

“I had a lot of shitty New Year’s Eves as a kid,” he said. “Doesn’t really bring back great memories.”

Ronan was quiet. He pulled Adam close to him, his arm around Adam’s shoulders.

“Tell me what I can do,” he said quietly. “If there’s anything I can do. To help.”

“You don’t need to do anything,” Adam said. “I’m working to get over it on my own.”

“You don’t have to do it alone,” Ronan said.

Adam leaned into him.

“Thank you,” he said. “For just being there. And listening. That’s all I need. I can figure out the rest myself.”

They sat there quietly for a while, until Opal barged in and said, “Let’s go outside!”

“Are you fucking insane, Opal?” Ronan said. “It’s freezing out there.”

“Yeah, duh,” Opal said. “Then we’ll be cold and then we’ll stay awake.”

“Jesus Christ,” Ronan muttered, but he got up and pulled Adam with him. “Come on. You heard her. We have to stay awake.”

“You’re the worst,” Adam said, and followed the two of them outside.

They sat, huddled on the porch, until Adam’s watch read 11:58. The porch light was on and Ronan’s dream lights were hovering around the property, so it was quite light despite the midnight dark.

Ronan leaned in over Opal between the two of them and whispered to Adam, “You don’t mind if we do just one New Year’s Eve tradition, do you?”

Adam smiled. “I guess that would be OK.”

Opal scrambled down the porch steps and said, “Do the counting! The 10, 9, 8 one!”

She jumped up and down, and Adam said, “OK, I’ll count down, and then when I’m done, you can shout Happy New Year.”

“OK!” Opal yelled.

He looked down at his watch and waited until the second hand got into place, then said, “10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.”

“Happy new year!” Opal shouted at the heavens.

Ronan leaned in and kissed Adam.

“Happy new year, loser,” he said.

“Happy new year, asshole,” Adam said.

It didn’t feel like New Year’s Eve. It felt like… a new year. An actual new year.

Opal collapsed into sleep a few minutes later, and Ronan carried her up to her bed. Adam stared up at the night sky, a little dizzy with unfamiliar happiness, and tried to look at the stars. He thought of the night when the trees, or the stars, or his own mind had whispered to him in Latin. He thought of how much better he was doing.

He turned off the porch light and gathered Ronan’s dream orbs from the air and swept them into one of the storage sheds.

Ronan came out the door.

“Why’d you turn off all the lights?” he said.

“Wanted to see the stars better,” Adam replied.

Struck with a sudden idea, he stood up and took Ronan’s hand. “Come on,” he said, and led him out into the middle of the field.

“What are you doing, Parrish?” Ronan asked, sounding breathless.

“Just lie down. Come on.”

They lay down next to each other. Out here, the starry sky above them was all they could see. A good while away from any light pollution. In the cold night air, it was stunning.

Adam wrapped his hand around Ronan’s. He could hear Ronan’s breath and his own, uneven, and then slowly evening out.

“Why’d you take me out here?” Ronan asked.

Adam smiled.

“I know you love light,” he said.

They were quiet for a little longer. Then Ronan spoke again.

“You know, I wasn’t really planning to have a party for New Year’s,” he said.

“Ronan,” Adam said. “Are you telling me you lied?”

“It wasn’t a lie. I was planning to do _something_. I wanted…” He paused.

“Wanted what?” Adam asked, leaning in closer.

Ronan took a breath.

“I wanted to dream something,” he said. “For you. Something to show you… how… fuck, I don’t know. I wanted you to see yourself how I see you.”

Adam’s breath caught in his throat.

“I couldn’t do it,” Ronan said. “I can’t dream something like that. I don’t think it’s possible to dream something like that. But now I’m thinking I didn’t have to.”

Adam was looking at him. Ronan looked and sounded so tentative, almost scared.

“Look up, Adam,” he said.

Adam looked up.

“All the stars,” Ronan said. “That’s what you are.”

Adam could feel a knot in his throat. He swallowed it. Above him, the universe shone with endless magic and mystery.

“Do you really think that?” he asked. He knew Ronan could hear the shakiness in his voice.

“I never lie, Adam.”

Adam turned his eyes from the stars to look at Ronan, who was staring at him without any of his masks. He took his face in his hands and kissed him.

He knew he wasn’t cured, or saved, or whatever the hell it was that he wanted to be someday. But he didn’t care. He was getting better; every second, he was getting better.

It was a new year.

 

Sometime in mid-April, the Aglionby office began making a fuss about the senior graduation ceremony. The deputy headmaster came into each English class in turn to deliver a speech and hand out flyers.

Adam, Henry, and Gansey were all in the same English class, and they all glanced at each other in solidarity. _This is going to take forever._

“As the fine young faces that represent Aglionby’s values of success,” the deputy headmaster began, “you must be aware of the impression you make on graduation day.”

Henry scrawled something on a piece of paper and handed it to Adam. It was a reference to a book series they’d both been reading, and their least favorite character, who talked exactly in the same manner as the deputy headmaster. Adam stifled a laugh.

They sat through a long explanation of how they were supposed to behave at graduation. Adam mostly tuned it out. He knew how to behave himself. He wanted the diploma, not to suck up to the Aglionby faculty.

Gansey, naturally, listened intently, and even took a few notes. Adam rolled his eyes.

“Now, all your parents, naturally, will want to be there,” the deputy headmaster said, which jolted Adam out of not paying attention. Gansey looked over at him with that awful pitying look in his eyes.

Henry, however, was the one who spoke up.

“And what if your parents don’t want to be there, because they don’t really give a shit about you graduating?” he said.

Adam glared at him. He didn’t need Henry to defend him.

But the deputy headmaster said, “Ah. Right. I know that the situation with your parents is… delicate, Mr. Cheng.”

Adam sat back down against his chair.

Right. He’d forgotten. Henry’s parents weren’t exactly runners-up for emotional guardians of the year, either.

“I would advise,” the deputy headmaster continued, “for those of you whose parents are… absent… to not create any cause for concern with our donors, who will all be present. We will take care of making sure that all the seats are filled, even those reserved for… absent… parents. If you do not plan to have any guardians present, simply fill out N/A on the ticket form. Actually, let me pass around the ticket form now.” He moved to start passing around papers, and the class dissolved back into idle conversation.

Henry looked murderous, and Adam didn’t blame him.

“Wish that he would be… _absent_ for graduation,” he said, leaning over to Henry’s desk. Henry laughed, a harsh thing.

“Tell me about it,” he muttered.

Gansey looked apologetic, and said, “You know, you can come over after graduation with my family. Both of you.”

“Aren’t you, me, and Blue doing something?” Henry said.

“Well, yes. But if you wanted to… you know, to have…”

Adam laughed. “Gansey, are you offering to lend us your parents for the day? I think we’ll be OK.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Gansey said, though by his sheepish expression, Adam guessed that it had been exactly what he’d meant.

“That’s very sweet of you, Dick,” Henry said. “Your parents are lovely people, but it’s not quite the same.”

Adam stared down at his desk.

Nothing was quite the same as having actual parents. He wouldn’t know what that was like. But he wanted to.

After class, Henry headed out- he and Blue were planning to go to an environmental awareness rally- and Gansey, who’d admitted that he could never fit in at any sort of rally, headed to the library with Adam. They both needed to get some work done.

Adam was deep in thought. Gansey was busy reading. Adam couldn’t focus on the reading.

He looked up and said, “Gansey.”

“Hmm?” Gansey said, glancing up from his book.

“I want to go talk to my parents.”

Gansey closed the book.

“About what?” he said. “What brought this on?”

Adam sighed.

“I think it’s something I need to do,” he said. “To… to maybe try and forgive them.”

Gansey put down his book.

“You know, maybe last year, or a few months ago, I would have told you to do exactly that,” he said. “Because I believed that all families were like mine- fundamentally good at heart. But what they did to you was unforgivable. You’re not obligated to forgive them. You’re not obligated to ever see them again.”

“That’s not why I want to do it,” Adam said. “Maybe I worded it wrong. I don’t want to forgive them. I want to move on. I want to be able to let go of what happened to me.”

Gansey looked at him seriously.

“Tell me you won’t forgive them, Adam,” he said. “Tell me you won’t go back to letting them hurt you-”

“I’ll never let them hurt me again,” Adam said. “That’s _not_ what I said, Gansey.”

His voice echoed a little in the library, and he took a breath to steady his volume.

“I want to see them,” he said, voice calmer. “I want to see them for what they are. People who hurt me. My parents, who hurt me. I want to know that I can handle that. I think if I can do that, I can move on. Find…”

He took another breath.

“Find a new family,” he said. “Without constantly being haunted by the old one.”

Gansey didn’t say anything for a bit, just took it in.

Then he said, “If this is what you need to do, I’m not going to stop you. But I think you should wait until after graduation. I think you’ll be ready by then.”

Adam nodded. “Yeah. That’s a good idea. I think I will.”

 

“I’ll let myself out,” Adam said.

He headed back to the car.

He pondered the fact that he was not scared. He’d thought he would be scared. He was not. Nothing about the place bothered him anymore.

All this time, he’d been obsessed with leaving Henrietta, leaving the place with that trailer. Now that he was finally leaving, it didn’t feel like such an intense _need_ anymore, the need to leave. It was just a place.

A place that wasn’t going to haunt and torment him anymore.

He’d left it already.

He drove back to Singer’s Falls, let himself into the house. Lately he spent barely any time in his apartment at St. Agnes anymore. Sometime soon, he was going to move out. Mainly because it was just pointless to keep paying rent on it.

Mainly because his home didn’t need to be a place anymore. He was at home in himself, at last.

**Author's Note:**

> I know the subject matter here is fairly delicate, so please let me know if there's anything you thought was an issue.   
> Also, yeah, I don't know if the one bit of Latin is correct. Whatever. Does anyone in this fandom actually speak Latin?  
> Let me know what you think!


End file.
